The Way We Were
by ballonballon
Summary: Josh and Donna have an awkward encounter during "Freedonia" and remember the ways they used to be.


A/N: The first time I watched the Freedonia episode, at the end I was fully expecting Donna to see Josh and Amy together and for there to be some sort of conflict there. Of course there wasn't any, Amy left, and we never see Donna even register she's there. This is my take on if Donna had known Amy was there.

"Hey."

"Hey," Donna replied distractedly as Will walked up behind her. She turned to look over her shoulder and gave him a quick smile. She had been lost for a moment as she stared across to the other side of the stage.

"Did I miss much?" Will asked, inclining his head towards Russell. The debate had just kicked off about 30 seconds ago.

"Just the introductions. They finished explaining the Santos rules."

Donna tried to keep her eyes on the candidates, but her gaze kept drifting to the same familiar spot. Through the throngs of people, she saw Josh leaned up casually against a wall, his leg bent at the knee as his foot flush against the wall. Amy was stood next to him, her shoulder slightly overlapping his as she leaned against him. It was this casual show of intimacy that was eating away at Donna. And the fact that it was eating away at her, only added to her annoyance. Months of trying to get Josh Lyman out of her mind were being unraveled quickly.

Donna's mouth pulled into a thin line as she saw Josh chuckle, dimples on show as he turned to face Amy fully. Their faces were mere inches apart. She crossed her arms and let out a sigh, frustration building with herself. She didn't want to care, she shouldn't care, and yet. She did.

It wasn't jealousy per se. Donna dreaded the idea of Josh getting back together with Amy because she knew how toxic their relationship could be. She didn't even dislike Amy, not really. She just understood that when paired with Josh, the two fiery personalities often clashed and because they both cared about the other, the fall hurt them both each time.

It bothered her to think Josh would engage with this part of his past again. To think he hadn't learned. This part of his past that only ever ended in pain. Josh shifted into a different position as he turned back to the debate and he was suddenly fully illuminated by one of the backstage lights. From her obscured position on her side of the stage, Donna indulged in the sight of him. She didn't like what she saw. The dark rings under his eyes were more prominent than ever and seeing the way his jacket hung off his shoulders too loosely sent a jolt of fear through Donna's stomach. She pulled her arms a little tighter around herself and brushed it off. It wasn't her job to care about whether Josh was taking care of himself. Though, was it ever her job?

"You okay?" Will asked, shaking her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah," Donna muttered. "I'm going to go watch the speech from the aisles down there." She pointed towards where a few staffers were standing in the wings of the auditorium. "Get a different perspective, you know?"

"Okay?" Will responded, thoroughly confused. As Donna left he glanced to where her eyes had been locked before and he sighed. He had enough to worry about when it came to Josh Lyman, let alone if he was distracting the Russell staffers. With a deep breath, Will turned back to the debate and focused. He trusted that Donna was professional enough not to let this become an issue.

-

Two and a half hours later after the debate, Donna found herself in the hotel restaurant, working quietly and diligently on some data she had received about the east coast media markets. The air was warm to combat the cold air outside and there was a feint smell of burnt cheese in the room. She had a barely touched mug of coffee next to her and a pencil twirling around her fingers as she took notes and copied things down into her red notebook.

Her concentration was broken when she heard familiar voices floating into the room from the main foyer outside. Josh and Amy were walking in through the hotel's front doors. They were walking side by side, each holding an ice cream cone. Donna picked up on the slight whine in Josh's voice from where she was sitting, but she couldn't pick up the words.

Donna leaned forward as she watched the pair of them stop at reception. After a lengthy discussion with the receptionist, Amy walked away towards the door and Josh walked quickly to catch up with her. Donna pulled up the mug of coffee to her lips and watched from over the rim.

Josh didn't touch Amy as he caught up to her, but his face was within Donna's field of vision and she saw the pleading look there. After a moment, Amy patted the side of his cheek and then moved past him, making her way into the cold night and dumping her ice cream cone into a trashcan.

Donna watched as Josh physically deflated, his shoulders dropping and his chin falling to his chest. Donna frowned and felt a familiar pang resonate in her chest.

Josh slowly made his way back to the receptionist and eventually the receptionist procured a package wrapped in brown. Josh smiled his thanks, quickly opened the package and began poring over the documents inside, sifting through the pages as a steady pace.

Without breaking concentration, he began to walk over to where Donna was sitting. Donna shot a worried look to the small smattering of empty table and chairs surrounding her and sure enough Josh sat down two tables away to her right. He dropped his backpack on the floor next to him and shrugged off his jacket. Rolling up his sleeves and undoing the top button of his dress shirt, Josh settled back into his reading. Donna tried not to notice the prominence of his collarbones.

After a few minutes, Donna went back to her own work, realizing Josh wasn't about to look up and notice her. She recognized the behavior from Josh easily. After receiving whatever kind of disappointment it was from Amy, he planned to throw himself headlong into work so he wouldn't have to think about it. Never one of his healthier habits.

They both settled into similar rhythms. Josh had his hand settled on his forehead as he frantically scribbled notes on the pages in front of him. Donna kept her peripheral vision on alert to keep track of Josh's movements. Another habit she was used to from their time spent working together. Eventually a waiter walked over and offered Donna a refill of coffee. The sudden voice made Josh's eyes glance up and he froze as his eyes landed on Donna for the first time.

After the waiter finished filling her mug, he moved on and Donna's eyes met Josh's. He blanched slightly at the sight of her and he looked down, embarrassed.

"Hi," he ventured quietly.

"Hey."

"I didn't notice you were there, I'm sorry." He sat up a little straighter. "I can move." He started looking around wildly, his head shooting from side to side to try and locate a different place to sit.

"You don't have to move."

"Yeah, but you'd rather I did right?" Josh said, not entirely masking the bitterness in his voice.

Donna squared her shoulders and sat started fiddling with her pencil.

"So back together with Amy, huh?" she ventured, choosing to ignore Josh's statement.

Josh's eyes narrowed.

"Not really."

Donna raised her eyebrows, unbelieving. Josh scoffed.

"What do you care anyways?" he said, his voice was still quiet, but had a dangerous edge to it now.

"I don't," Donna said defensively, as if trying to convince herself.

She was surprised when she saw Josh flinch slightly.

"Yeah, I figured." There was no fight in his voice, no challenge. The dangerous tone Donna had just detected had vanished as quickly as it had come. He sounded lonely.

"Josh-"

"It was just nice to be around someone familiar," he interrupted. He leaned forward suddenly and was looking down at his notes. He let out a grumbly sound. "Someone who actually knows me."

Donna was taken aback by this. Not just by his admission, but the fact that he confided in her with this in the first place. Even at the height of their friendship, it was often a struggle to get Josh to be upfront about his feelings in such a clear way.

Not wanting to cede any ground, Donna continued with the brusque approach.

"And Amy was your only option?"

Josh looked up at her, a sad smile playing on his lips.

"I wish it wasn't."

Donna carried on, not wanting her words to be misconstrued.

"What about everyone back at the White House?"

"Come on, Donna." Josh shifted awkwardly; his hands were now fidgeting in his lap.

"What?" Donna replied, genuinely confused now.

"Nobody at the White House wants to talk to me."

Donna let out a laugh.

"Josh, what kind of pity party," she began. She stopped when she saw the genuine look of pain etched across his face. Again she noticed the dark circles under his eyes, his sharp collarbones. Donna stared down at her notes for a moment and then got up from the table and moved over to sit with him. She ignored the way this made him grimace slightly. They sat there silently as Donna situated herself, then she asked. "What are you talking about, Josh?"

"What, you're my therapist suddenly now, Donna?" Josh scoffed. Donna's face hardened and she made to get up.

"No- please. I'm sorry," Josh quickly amended. He reached out and placed a hand over hers as she was raised halfway from her seat.

"I'm sorry," he said again. Donna took her seat again, pulling her hand back from Josh's. Donna crossed her arms loosely now and sat back, staring at him as she waited for him to tell her.

"You were there," Josh eventually shrugged. He was looking anywhere but Donna.

"You're going to have to be more specific there, Joshua." Josh smiled slightly at the use of his full name.

"You ever get the feeling you've overstayed your welcome?" Josh asked her.

"You overstaying your welcome at the White House?" Donna couldn't help but chuckle again. "Josh are you even listening to yourself?"

Josh's frown deepened.

"Donna," he began. He looked down at his hands still fidgeting in his lap. "What use was I when I left? Whose trust did I have?"

"Everyone-"

"CJ didn't trust me to go on the China trip, the President and Leo didn't trust me to take Leo's place. Nobody wanted me there."

"Josh, nobody said that."

"Leo said that."

Donna froze.

"Leo said that to you?"

Josh nodded somberly. Donna felt a jolt shoot through her chest. Josh had never told her this before.

"Why didn't you-" she stopped. "When?"

"Does it matter?" They looked at each other and the gulf between them felt so foreign. These two people facing each other were different to the ones who would have sat here four years ago. Donna wasn't sure how to navigate their relationship now when before it came as naturally to her as breathing. Jokes sounded forced and often mean, praise sounded backhanded and somehow spiteful.

"Even you didn't want to stick around anymore," Josh muttered, his voice sounding more desperate than ever.

"Josh-"

"You were right to leave, I get it. I'm sorry I didn't give you what you wanted in that job."

Donna was baffled. All the times she had played out this argument in her head, this was not the way she expected it to go. The scenarios in her head always had Josh shouting and accusing. She never anticipated this Josh. This Josh that seemed so beaten down by the world, so lonely.

Before she could answer back though she noticed Josh was packing up his stuff.

"Josh-"

"Listen, I gotta get back. Sorry for uh, breaking your concentration over there," he said as he jammed a few folders into his already overstuffed backpack. He put his pencil in his mouth and zipped up the bag with a yank.

"Josh, wait-"

"I'll see you around, Donna," Josh said, a painfully fake smile on his lips. Donna reached out to grab his hand, but missed as he turned to leave the room. He quickly hustled out and Donna was left with no choice but to remain defeated in her chair.

A little while later, she gave up on reviewing the materials in front of her and started to pack up her things. Her mind was still reeling from her conversation with Josh. His behavior had taken her completely by surprise. Gone was the ego and bluster she was so used to seeing and playfully batting down. Gone was their once intimate friendship that meant they hardly had need for words to communicate. The interaction crashed down hard on Donna's shoulders. She felt the weight of it dragging her down as her heart ached for the friendship she and Josh once shared.

With a deep sigh, she finished her cup of coffee and left a few bills on the table before she too left the restaurant. She made her way past reception and smiled at the woman behind the desk and walked towards the elevators.

About halfway down the hallway, she noticed a light on in one of the conference rooms. Wondering if there were any stray Russell staffers in there, she poked her head inside. Instead, she again saw Josh and again she felt a pang jolt through her chest.

He was sat on the far end of the room, back pressed purposefully against the wall as he sat on the ground. His knees were brought up to his chest as his head leaned against them. Donna noted the abandoned briefing books and notepads littering the surrounding area around Josh.

"Josh?" she called out quietly, not wanting to startle him. Josh's head snapped up sharply. Seeing it was Donna, he looked down with a small sigh and placed his head back against his knees.

Without another word, Donna quietly made her way across the carpeted floor and slowly she lowered herself down to the floor to sit beside Josh.

"I'm sorry about the way I left," she told him, picking up from their earlier conversation. If Josh was being open, she could return the favor. Though she had never regretted leaving, she did regret the hurt she caused at the abruptness of her departure.

"I'll get out of your hair," he muttered, ignoring her words. He unfolded his limbs and reached for a binder. Donna reached out a hand to place on his arm.

"Please stay." She could see Josh clearly battling with his emotions as his face twisted. He shifted to start standing.

"Please?" she implored again, her fingers gripping his arm tighter. Josh stopped.

"Stay here," Donna said after a moment, standing up. "Can I trust you to do that?"

Josh glanced up at her and let his head fall back against the wall.

"Fine."

Donna quickly stood and shuffled out of the room. When she returned, she had two glasses of orange juice in each hand. Josh smirked as she took her place next to him on the ground again.

"What are you doing?"

"Considering there are no vitamins in coffee or Red Bull, I can't imagine the last time your body actually had anything nutritious." Josh pulled a face at that but said nothing. She offered a glass to him and he took it tentatively. As he rose the glass to his lips he noticed she wasn't drinking any from hers.

"Aren't you going to have any?"

Donna shook her head.

"These are both for you."

"Oh, come on!" Josh cried out exasperatedly and Donna couldn't help but laugh at his expense. The nostalgia of his reaction hit her hard. For a moment she could pretend that nothing had changed.

"I'm not-"

He was interrupted as a waiter knocked on the door and walked in with a turkey sandwich on it and then a smaller plate filled with fries. Josh gave Donna a long, exasperated look.

"Thank you," Donna said with a radiant smile. The waiter smiled back and made his way out of the room quickly.

"Somebody has to look out for you," Donna replied at Josh's questioning glance. "You clearly aren't looking out for yourself."

Josh scowled at that. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Donna shrugged.

"Donna."

She sighed.

"How many hours of sleep did you get last night, Josh? Three?"

Josh didn't reply.

"When was the last time you ate today aside from that ice cream?"

"I've been busy!"

"You know there are busy people in the world that can be busy and take care of themselves at the same time, right?"

"What, like you?" Josh asked in challenge.

"Not unlike me," Donna replied primly. She had to admit her diet on the campaign trail hadn't exactly been dietician recommended, but at least she was getting a decent amount of sleep.

"You should come join the Santos campaign, you can help us run a healthier ship," Josh said with what he hoped was a confident smile.

Donna scowled.

"I'm not your assistant anymore."

Josh let out an exasperated breath.

"I didn't mean join as an assistant," he said, running a hand through his hair.

Donna said nothing. Josh picked up the sandwich and took a small bite.

"Didn't I ever teach you not to engage with a chicken?"

Donna bit back the retort she had ready.

"Guess not."

A silence stretched out between them.

"You really are doing a good job, Donna," Josh said softly. After a beat he added, "A great job. Chicken antics aside." And at that, they shared a laugh and Donna couldn't help the large rush of pride that rushed though her. She hadn't realized how much she'd craved to hear him say those words.

"Even if it is for Bingo Bob," Josh said, taking another bite of the sandwich.

She rolled her eyes, but gave a soft "thank you" in reply. Josh moved the plate of fries a little closer to her and Donna took the hint. She scooted herself over to the wall besides Josh and rested against it beside him.

"How's your back?"

"It hurts."

"Your chest?"

"Hurts."

"Josh!"

Josh smirked a little and looked at her.

"What?"

"I need you to take care of yourself."

"I'm fine, Donna," Josh said dismissively, not quite meeting her eye.

"I'll tell your mother."

Josh nearly dropped his plate.

"Donna!" His voice was whiny enough to make her laugh.

"Uh, Josh?" The pair of them jumped as they looked up to see Matt Santos standing in the doorway looking uncertain. He was leaned into the room with both hands still on the doorjamb. Josh immediately straightened up. Taking a few last bites of his sandwich, he placed the plate down and brushed the crumbs off of his lap.

"I gotta go."

"Yeah." There was a deep feeling of longing in Donna's chest. One she hadn't felt so acutely in a long time. She didn't want Josh to leave. They were finally getting somewhere with each other.

She took a small amount of solace when she saw that same look in Josh's eye as well.

"Donna," Josh said, quietly getting her attention. She looked up at him.

"Keep up the good work."

Donna opened her mouth to reply, but Josh continued with a smile.

"Don't work too hard though, you know. Throw us a few softballs every now and then."

Donna hid her smile in her chest as she watched Josh catch up with Santos. She still felt a deep sadness in watching him leave, but she felt warmed by the hidden part of her heart that had been reignited, the small part of her heart beat for Josh alone. It didn't shine as brightly as it once had, but the familiar glow Donna felt made it a little bit easier to fall asleep that night.


End file.
